Leaders of the world’s developed and undeveloped countries are gathering in Dubai for the 28th United Nations Convention of Parties (COP28) on “climate action.” It’s a global gathering for privileged leaders to fly their private jets around the world — including Vice President Kamala Harris and U.S. Special Presidential Envoy for Climate John Kerry — to meet and talk about “climate science.”
But anti-hunting and animal rights activists are piling on the climate agenda this year with major efforts to force developed countries to cut back on the burgers and steaks.
“The world’s most-developed nations will be told to curb their excessive appetite for meat as part of the first comprehensive plan to bring the global agrifood industry into line with the Paris climate agreement,” Bloomberg reported. Coincidentally, that’s the same media company owned by the billionaire gun control piggy bank and failed presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg.
U.S. officials should tell U.N. officials to pound sand.
It’s a backwards, laughable proposal for many reasons. Such an effort would end up penalizing America’s millions of hunters. And that, consequently, would harm many more millions of less fortunate families in need of good, healthy meals – especially during the holiday season.
Meatless Mandate Manure
The anti-meat push from the U.N.’s Food & Agriculture Organization won’t do much of anything towards “climate goals.” The scheme calls for developed nations to greatly reduce meat consumption and agribusiness, while encouraging developing countries to dramatically ramp up theirs. The net between those opposing efforts would do little globally.
Mandating reductions in meat consumption here at home would have a big impact, though. Despite the pleas today by animal rights activists for Americans to eliminate meat from their diets, the vast majority of Americans…don’t.
According to the data used by the U.N.’s food agency, the average American consumes 280 pounds of meat each year. The U.N. commission recommends people consume no more than 35 pounds of meat per year.
It isn’t so far-fetched to think that political leaders in the U.S. could begin passing similar proposals. After all, the Baltimore School District became the first school district in the nation to implement “Meatless Mondays” for school lunches back in 2009. That move garnered the praise of the rabid anti-hunting People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and was based on studies from the antigun Johns Hopkins University. Former New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio followed suit in 2019.
The U.S. Department of Agriculture in 2012 began discussing similar plans and the idea has percolated so much that U.S. Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) introduced federal legislation in 2021 prohibiting federal agencies from implementing “Meatless Monday” policies.
These efforts by anti-hunting animal rights groups to dramatically reduce American meat consumption have persisted for years, mostly in the background of policy debates. Recent developments in the U.S. and the prominence of the issue at this year’s U.N. meeting show there’s a need for greater vigilance in America’s hunting community.
Laughable Litigation
Earlier this year, the city of Ojai, Calif., became the first municipality in the country to pass a resolution declaring that elephants aren’t just animals and instead deserve “the legal rights of a nonhuman animal.” It was a victory for the Non-human Rights Project (NhRP) after several years of pursuing similar litigation against zoos in both New York City and Colorado. After passing their resolution, Ojai City Councilwoman Leslie Rule declared, “It isn’t a joke.”
For those unfamiliar, NhRP failed in several previous attempts to get “personhood” rights for animals, namely elephants, under the care of zookeepers. In 2022, New York Court of Appeals Chief Judge Janet DiFiore rejected the groups lawsuit against the Bronx Zoo, writing, “Habeas corpus is a procedural vehicle intended to secure the liberty rights of human beings who are unlawfully restrained, not nonhuman animals.” Judge Jenny Rivera piled on too, asking about Happy the elephant that is well cared for at the Bronx Zoo. “If Happy is a person, does that mean that I couldn’t keep a dog? I mean, dogs can memorize words.”
In a harbinger of what a possible legal victory for NhRP could mean, the New York Farm Bureau submitted an amicus brief in favor of the Bronx Zoo warning that a ruling in NhRP’s favor could be disastrous. “Worse, if any of those habeas petitions succeed in securing the release or transfer of livestock… the downstream effects also would be serious.”
The floodgate would open for future lawsuits against other zoos. Animal rights groups could sue dairy cow or meat processing operations, pig farms, or chicken or pheasant preserves. Those would also be serious obstacles for hunters harvesting wild game for their freezers and wildlife management biologists that rely on hunting as the primary wildlife conservation management tool.
Hunters Feed the Needy
It is approaches like the U.N. COP28 meat reduction plan that make no sense and in turn only end up harming efforts by America’s hunters to help those in need. While continually under attack by anti-hunting animal rights activists and “climate science” schemers, hunters generously give back to families who are less fortunate.
MeatEater reported on an extensive study demonstrating the depths and breadth of America’s hunters helping the hungry in order to “reframe debates about the relevance of wild and natural harvests, and understand how they contribute to a stable and equitable food system.”
The report breaks down several states respective contributions through programs like Hunters Against Hunger and Hunters for the Hungry, but all told it’s estimated that around 10 million meals of healthy, high-protein wild game are donated by hunters across the nation every year – an estimated $70 million of meat donated by generous hunters. A simple Google search reveals how much good America’s hunters are already doing this hunting season in states like Indiana, West Virginia, Arkansas, Ohio and more. These highlights are likely nowhere to be found in Dubai.
Mandating reductions in meat intake by a global organization like the U.N. under the guise of “climate science” isn’t a serious solution for anything. Especially when the policies are pushed by anti-hunting activists with no connection to the communities American hunters continue to support.
Hunters harvesting game and generously donating extra food to those in need is uniquely American and should be celebrated and encouraged, not vilified by global “elites.”
Larry Keane is SVP for Government and Public Affairs, Assistant Secretary and General Counsel of the National Shooting Sports Foundation.
UN out of North America!
from 42nd st. to turtle bay.
…And get the US out of the UN!
GET THE UN OUT OF EVERY OTHER PLACE IT STICKS ITS NOSE. IT WANTS TO CONTROL THE WORLD AND THAT IS NOT IN ITS CHARTER. IT IS THE WORST ANTISEMANTIC ASSEMBLY IN THE WORLD.
You gotta love it when the upper tier of the worlds 1% all fly their private jets and sail their super yachts to an exotic location to scapegoat the ills of the world on your summer grilling ad commute to work.
Fuck them and fuck the mindless rubes who go by into their money-grubbing, power-grabbing, hypocritical bullshit.
“Laughable Litigation”
At one time, they laughed just as hard as the concept of suing cigarette and other tobacco companies for cancer.
Who’s laughing now, Phillip Morris? 🙁
How many levels of fail? Elites using their carbon-spewing private jets to lecture us on red meat consumption? Who did the hosting? The “Voluntary Human Extinction Movement”? Of course the elites are too important to the cause to be sacrificed. The exception to the private jet is Greta who has VERY rich parents to buy her a private sailing yacht with the crew. Rich enough to indulge her whim of pseudo-environmentalism.
Humans evolved to eat meat as a main source of iron. From meat we get vital enzymes and amino acids that affect our physical and mental health. The lack of these nutrients probably explains why vegans are often looking unhealthy, angry, irritable, and subject to extreme mood swings. And why lapsed vegans say their physical and mental health improves when they start consuming meat again.
What about all those farm animals? It would be an environmental disaster for them to be released and many need constant human intervention to stay alive. Farmers aren’t going to let them die of old age with the associated life costs. Without an economic reason for their existence, they will be culled en-masse.
Short-sighted social grandstanding.
I would assume that if a human was to be able to consume vegetables and fruits grown naturally without ant pesticides or fertilizers the results may be different.
Archologcal historians actually have no hard data on what the majority of the main stay diet prehistoric humans consisted of.
An abundance of grains have been found at some sights as well as animal bones. Fruit seeds have also been found. Prehistoric humans were opportunists, that would be my assumption and as such they consumed what was readily available with the least amount of calories need to acquire nutritional sustenance. Fish I assume were probably high on the list of proteins. The nomadic plains people’s diet more then likely consisted of large quantities of red meat however they also grew squash, beans and maize to a lesser.
I’m not familiar with the aboriginals diet however I do not believe the environment of Australia afforded them the ability to become agriculturist. Therefore I prosthesis their diets constituted of larger quantities of meat.
Whatever, the facts weigh in that what ever modern man consumes is tainted with poisons that our ancestors never dreamed of.
Chinese peaches have been found to contain trace amounts of lead. Futher investigation revealed it was was not attributed to the canning process itself but rather in the Arsenic of Lead used as a pesticide during the peaches growing cycle.
possum, If is the most meaningless word in the English language. If horses had wings they could fly?
“Fish I assume were probably high on the list of proteins.”
Fish were the first animals, and I enjoyed a fried Grouper just last week at a local restaurant…
*Burp* 😉
Arsenic was a very common pesticide used around the turn of the 20th century and later. There are places in Eastern Washington (for one,) that had pretty high levels in the orchards’ soil.
These days, they’ve found that quite a bit of protection is gained by just spraying the tree trunks with a refined version of good ol’ clay. Makes the trees look kinda weird, but it works.
if we kant hont der we kin alwaze hont poly tishuns. the posyum wil alwaze hav sumtin to et.
One day soon Americans will demand that the UN be disbanded and the buildings be demolished. I’m one of them.
No, not demolished. Use them for Veterans housing.
The day I stop enjoying a rare vinison fillet will be the day they pat me in the face with a shovel.
They are interested in taking you up on that offer… 🙁
Their style is either the bullet into the back of the head an you falling into the ditch (dacian’s preferred method).
Or being sent to the showers for delousing prior to being put into the oven.
I think instead of starving the prisoners I’d have fed them the oven bakes. I doubt theyd know the difference and if your starving who cares.
They can have my meat when they pry my gun from my cold dead hands.
Ethical cannibalism is a thing………..but yeah this has been bandied about for the better part of 3 decades that I am aware of and likely much longer. Ultimately I am more interested in what is that revolver in the top picture?
An RG Mod22 painted silver..
.
Freedom Arms more then likely.
NAA mini revolvers with a few subtle mods.
Not going to lie I had to look that first one up and it did make me laugh.
Stock Ruger Bisley Hunter in 44 magnum. That was quite some years ago but I still think that was the best shot I ever made in my life. Standing off hand at about 300 yards if I can remember. It had to be mostly luck but I can remember that shot. It felt right. I had absolutely no doubt when I pulled the trigger it was going to hit. That big Ram was high on a cliff, I don’t think it was the shot that killed him right away but the fall certainly did.
Well damn that just made my next intended purchase in the 480 ruger (potentially 475 linebaugh) a bit harder to guess at. Either way can afford to wait a bit until components slowly trickle back in …….or get into casting a lot earlier than expected.
Whoa Nelly! Reloading for sure, and maybe casting too…
https://ammoseek.com/ammo/475-linebaugh
480 Ruger is even more expensive.
Nice shot, JWT. Sometimes the stars do line up, but it ain’t all luck. “Luck” is often really spelled “Lots of time and hard work developing skills, and then being there ready to act.”
Soylent green is people!
Sorry but I had to! In truth that is the direction the globalist left would have us going.
Truth!! Ever hear of the “Human Meat Project”?? It’s their ‘solution’ for those who refuse to EAT ZE BUGS!
No, I’m not making it up. Have a look! humanmeatproject.com
Welcome to SOYLENT GREEN!!
AP
Well, after they harvest the organs, what else are they gonna do with the carcass?
Safe,
between the 480 and the 44 magnum, the Ruger in .480 Ruger is the way to go. I’ve owned one or Mr. Linebaugh’s 475s and it’s the only gun I’ve ever sold because the recoil was just too much. It’s not a fun gun to shoot. And completely unnecessary. That 480 will plow through anything living.
https://dev.thetruthaboutguns.com/handgun-hunting-for-texas-hill-country-red-deer/
Noted and of course it’s the lesser available of the two lately. Well Ruger Blackhawk was one of the two leading candidates with the BFR being substantially easier to locate and a bit more affordable so decisions to make in the coming weeks/months. With that said great story from last year thank you it does bring practical considerations together.
“Ethical cannibalism is a thing………..”
Apocalypse fiction has been harping on using the endless supply of ‘long pork’ for making dog food jerky…
Barbecued long-pig will be on the menu in the blockaded urban centers.
SC
Might taste a bit like Michelin though..
Three words: Mad Cow Disease (or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease).
Not if your a possum.
We can live on each other till hell freezes over. You humans start acting weird and growing three heads.
Three heads?
Hmmm, the Biden, the Obama, and the Soros
You might want to re-phrase that a bit, Gov.
Better to die over a pile of hot brass than to submit to blue helmet meatless servitude.
Think about it a little more. Or have you forgotten your inner 13 year old?
Ah, yes, well I suppose when the rigor mortis sets in they can have that meat too. I won’t know the difference.
Some would want to chew a poison capsule just prior to passing, to take even that pleasure away that the sickos would derive from dining on your carcass. Think of it as your last great act of defiance.
In the immortal words of Elon Musk … GO F**K YOURSELF.
Exactly. But Elonzo should take his own advice too.
Yummmmmm … Happy Elephant steaks.
😋
.40, Yummy!
Neutron Bomb South America annex Canada picket fence New America with ICBM missiles and tell the rest of the world Good Luck.
We don’t want or need the ID-10-T candidians. Do we want a bunch more Californias as part of the union? Most Canadians are even more leftist than that.
Maybe he’s hoping California up through Vancouver all fall into the Pacific, and southeast Canada washes over the Falls? Then, it wouldn’t be as bad having them join up.
The west coast is hoping for reunification to the motherland (PRC) after the discovery of an ancient map (with still wet ink).
Ask your favorite climate cultist what the temperature difference will be in 50 years from now if we implement their dream policies. Then ask them exactly what difference that will make. Then ask them to compare the benefit to the cost (after they prove what the temperature difference will be). Then ask them why they’re on the same side as Russian propaganda that wants us to implement these policies.
“…to meet and talk…”
“…to wine and dine and talk…”
FIFY
These snakes are about the only big polluters left.
A Thai told me that Americans should not have pets because of the global food shortage. Strangely he owns an elephant as a pet along with assorted parrots, the rabbits he has he eats.
“Strangely he owns an elephant as a pet along with assorted parrots, the rabbits he has he eats.”
One thing rabbits have no problem in doing is reproducing… 🙂
I was kind of concerned that the average American only eats 280 pounds of meat a year. Sounds like a closet vegan to me. The bear I shot last year dressed out at 220 lbs, and I at that in less than six months. Now I have to scour the cheap meat section at Safeway weekly.
Lot’s of good meat available if you read the free to a good home section of the local newspaper.
just sayin’
German Shepherd is the other white meat.
Cat’s In The Kettle At The Peking Moon
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bj_e9UcJD34
Actually, when stationed in South Korea in the 80’s I tried dog. It wasn’t bad. The worst thing I ever ate was Muskrat, now that was nasty!
A mom and pop store nearby has bison, elk, venison, alligator, and a couple more. He says PETA stands for people eating tasty animals
I hate the climate crap more than any of the other BS from these folks. And that’s saying alot
So. western Europe. Japan. The US and Canada will save the world by destroying our economies by adopting bogus Green New Deal?
China. 1billion plus. India. 1 billion plus. Most of asia. All of Africa. The middle east. All of the Americas south of the US border. All happily polluting, slashing and burning. But we’ll save the climate by driving ev’s and bankrupting our economy.
The climate has changed, before and after man, and will continue to change regardless of our actions.
All the fascists want is an excuse to ‘save the planet’ by making one world .gov to end the ‘climate crisis’.
And weak minded folks like dacian and miner eat that shite up.
“China. 1billion plus. India. 1 billion plus.”
“India to have 2.9 million more people than China by mid-2023: UN”
https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2023/4/19/india-to-have-2-9-million-more-people-than-china-by-mid-2023-un
China is laughing at us.
Make no mistake people: most of the upper echelon of the Ruling Class get demented thrills from humiliating the masses. And that humiliation can take on many forms. For example taking away our preferred foods (meat) and demanding that we eat insects instead is incredibly humiliating.
Acquiesce at your own peril.
Agree 100%. Tell the elitists to go FO.
The United Nations Conventions of Parities said Zero about hunting they were speaking of cutting back on the raising of beef cows for human consumption.
A team of researchers at Loma Linda University in the United States has shown vegetarian men live for an average of 10 years longer than non-vegetarian men — 83 years compared to 73 years. For women, being vegetarian added an extra 6 years to their lives, helping them reach 85 years on average.
The Loma Linda team is behind the ground-breaking Adventist Health Study-1 regarding life expectancy. This study is considered the gold standard in the world of nutrition because it is a comprehensive, long-term study that involves a large number of people.
https://www.sanitarium.com/au/health-nutrition/vegetarian-eating/eating-a-vegetarian-diet-can-help-you-live-longer
Funny enough cutting out sugar and keeping meat has the same beneficial effects without the loss of muscle density if a very careful diet isn’t kept. But why would we want nutrient dense food that is critical for childhood development readily available to the plebes.
Tell me miner/dacian/al, is Lomo Linda University in Rio Linda by any chance?
lil ‘d, the reason most wives outlive their husbands is because they WANT to.
Now go back downstairs and play, the adults are trying to have a conversation.
A quick internet search would’ve told you that LLU is named such because it’s in Loma Linda CA.
Duh factor: Maximum
AKA LuLu U…
“Duh…”
Indeed. I see a Rush Limbaugh reference, with a hint of Spanish wordplay. How about you?
That’s cool, I’ll eat your meat ration then and you can eat ze bugs.
Are you smoking your greens again?
And we GAF why?
“A team of researchers at Loma Linda University in the United States has shown vegetarian men live for an average of 10 years longer than non-vegetarian men — 83 years compared to 73 years. For women, being vegetarian added an extra 6 years to their lives, helping them reach 85 years on average.
The Loma Linda team is behind the ground-breaking Adventist Health Study-1 regarding life expectancy. This study is considered the gold standard in the world of nutrition because it is a comprehensive, long-term study that involves a large number of people.”
and its complete BS full of biased data, cherry picked participants and subjective interpretation, and false correlation=causation, plus it turns out about half their ‘participants’ actually ate meat ‘semi-secretly’ on a routine basis.
dacian, the DNDEREHEAD, are you and your UN neanderthals afraid of cows farting? JBOL!
Have you figured out the firing sequence of a cartridge, yet?
They may live longer.
But their quality of life is substantially lower than meat eaters.
They are lethargic, anemic, their immune systems varies from mildly weaker to nearly sever. With their lower body fat, they are constantly cold.
It is not uncommon for them to have dental issues.
If they break a bone it takes substantially longer for them to heal. Gets even worse when they get older.
And a recent study found that wild game was the most climate friendly source of protein. See, when you try to force a population on a all vegetable diet, it takes substantially more land space to produce the same amount of protein, like soybeans. That means slash a burn huge amounts of forest land, just so you can have your tofu burger. That means less habitual land for wild game. Less land for even non-game wild life. And even less for bees. All so you can have your tofu burger.
Second most climate friendly source of protein, all grass fed livestock, allowed to feed not only on pasture, but in wood lands too. Their manure contributed to healthy forests. Much more so than your highly dependent on fossil fuel fertilizer for you tofu burger.
For those who still don’t get it, this has nothing to do with the climate or anything else. This is just another part of the agenda to control everything we say and do. If we allow this to happen, it is just another step in the effort by the self-anointed elite to control us. Just say “no.”
https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2017/02/10/514385071/frederick-douglass-on-how-slave-owners-used-food-as-a-weapon-of-control
You are not wrong.
“give me cracked corn, I don’t care, give me cracked corn, I don’t care, old master’s gone away”
Usually sung as “Jimmy crack corn”.
Cracked corn will gripe your gut, bigtime…
Cracking corn is the only way humans can digest it…
There are two kinds of animals, those that fit into human society in some way, a good example being your bird dog who understands your commands and emotions or in my case a pet parrot that talks to me and obviously understands what I say to him. He has a buddy, an African Gray, who recognizes my voice over the telephone! I have a friend, a retired surgeon, whose bird dog sleeps by his bed every night! They deserve rights. On the other hand the yearling bear that wandered through my front yard looking for a home den, the eight point buck I found staring at me when I opened my garage door to put out the garbage three weeks ago and feared he might attack, and the pasture cow I drive by occasionally, though not so much. Yes I view the bear, the buck, and the cow as fair game, but not the others, so what!
Simply put, you can tell those “globalists” that they can take all their thoughts and ideas about what we can eat, and stuff it where the sun doesn’t shine. If they don’t like that, then they can take their UN and go home.
Well this Thanksgiving I managed to free up space in my freezer by secretly giving away the 14 lbs. of Venison given to me by my huntin’ brother. I love deer when it is prepared right because I have yet to make it taste the way my brother and his huntin’ pals prepare it so now parts of Bambi are in better hands…the joy of giving.
Bottom line…The UN can take their numerous attempts at backdoor Gun Control and can go pound sand.
Nice! We read it way down here too
United Nations!? What a phukin joke,,,,,just one more outfit weaponized to take down the U.S.!
I wouldn’t trust the UN to construct and run a public toilet.
Kenny would do a better job.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0822389/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0_tt_8_nm_0_q_kenny
If you want to live healthy you need to go out, be in shape, eat unprocessed or less processed food (no fast food or vegan chemical garbage), less carbohydrates and more fiber and greens and protein. It’s not exactly rocket science.
And wash it all down with good beer and whiskey.
Kamala Harris and U.S. Special Presidential Envoy for Climate John Kerry — to meet and talk about “climate science.”
I have searched the Internet for years and I have never even found a hint of background or education in climatology, earth sciences, meteorology or ANY type of scientific studies for Lurch OR Kamaltoe… You’d think that people who are making decisions that affect every human being on planet Earth would have some sort of relevant credentials…
By that same line of reasoning, shouldn’t the leader of the most powerful nation on the Earth have an IQ greater than his shoe size?
So, are wild animal farts less damaging to the atmosphere than domestic animal farts… If we didn’t control the population by hunting, they would be out of control in a few years but “don’t eat meat”… Fuck them, I’m gonna fire up a 1/2 pound cheeseburger…
MADD I wonder if human farts are bad for the “environment”?
Just threw down a 5 Guys burger myself. My little present to the climate
Guess I shouldn’t have switched to the carnivore diet! 😉
Gives you constipation. You need some fiber to help grease the intestines.
Or some sugar-free gummi bears.
Two tablespoons of Metamucil every day does it for me…
I literally CRIED from laughing so hard when I heard about the Amazon reviews..
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/michaelrusch/haribo-gummy-bear-reviews-on-amazon-are-the-most-insane-thin
——-
1. From a review titled: “Just don’t. Unless it’s a gift for someone you hate.”
“What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM.”
Can we send bulk lots to dacian and miner?
SC
I think the one that pushed me over the top was about some folks on a small pressurized jet that had a head in the aircraft, but it was under one of the seats.
Found it:
https://www.theakforum.net/threads/sugar-free-gummy-bears-an-epic-story-at-30-000-feet-business-class.167744/
This review is real from Amazon.com of Sugar Free Gummy Bears. This is likely the most epic review of any candy product ever to be sold in this country. You should read it in it’s entirety as a warning to others.
This is your Captain speaking: Do not eat the red Gummy Bear. You’ll be sorry.,
January 9, 2014
This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
Before a company goes public, the highest level executives embark on a multi-city tour with their investment bankers to drum up support for the upcoming IPO. This trip is called a roadshow and since the group will typically visit dozens of cities on a tight schedule, a private jet is the preferred means of transportation. During a roadshow, it’s not unusual to visit two or three cities in a single day so work starts at the crack of dawn. That doesn’t mean the group goes to bed early. Every night, the bankers treat their clients to a wild nights, complete with complimentary Gummy Bears and coffee. No matter how hard the group parties the night before, the private jet will lift them off to their next destination very early the next morning.
Just for a minute, pretend you’re an investment banker traveling with some very important clients on one of these roadshows. Now imagine that you spent the previous night “dropping Yogi” way beyond your limit only to be startled out of bed by a piercing 6:30 am wake up call. In an attempt to get your head and body feeling remotely human again, you scarf down some more warm Gummy Bears and at least two glasses of coffee at the hotel’s breakfast buffet before jumping on the shuttle to the private airport. Within a few minutes of arriving at the airport, your entire group is seated and the plane begins to taxi down the runway. At this point you might feel a bit of relief as the morning’s blur subsides. All you have to do is sit back and relax for the one hour flight to the next city.
There’s just one problem. In your rush to get out of the hotel, down to breakfast and onto the plane you forgot to do one very crucial thing. Go to the bathroom. And I’m not talking about peeing. You have a stomach full of last nights multi-colored death bears and coffee churning around your lower intestine at 30,000 feet. But that’s not the worst part. True horror sets in when you realize you’re not on a spacious 20 person G5 with couches, beds, lay-z boys and a fully tucked away private bathroom. No, on this day you are traveling on a six-person puddle jumper sitting shoulder to shoulder with your clients and co-workers. But wait, somehow the story gets even worse…
Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it’s percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn’t more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be pretty violent turbulence. With each bounce, I have to fight my body, trying not to poop my pants. “Thirty minutes to landing, maybe forty five” I try and tell myself, each jostle a gamble I can’t afford to lose. I signal to [the flight attendant] and she heads toward me.
“Excuse me, where is the bathroom, because I don’t see a door?” I ask while still devoting considerable energy to fighting off what starts to feel like someone shook a seltzer bottle and shoved it up my butt. She looks at me, bemused, and says, “Well, we don’t really have one per se.” She continues, “Technically, we have one, but it’s really just for emergencies. Don’t worry, we’re landing shortly anyway.”
“I’m pretty sure this qualifies as an emergency,” I manage to mutter through my grimace. I can see the fear in her face as she points nervously to the back seat. The turbulence outside is matched only by the cyclone that is ravaging my bowels. She points to the back of the plane and says, “There. The toilet is there.” For a brief instant, relief passes over my face. She continues, “If you pull away the leather cushion from that seat, it’s under there. There’s a small privacy screen that pulls up around it, but that’s it.” At this point, I was committed. She had just lit the dynamite and the mine shaft was set to blow.
I turn to look where she is pointing and I get the urge to cry. I do cry, but my face is so tightly clenched it makes no difference. The “toilet” seat is occupied by the CFO, i.e. our freaking client. Our freaking female freaking client!
Up to this point, nobody has observed my struggle or my exchange with the flight attendant. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” That’s all I can say as I limp toward her like Quasimodo impersonating a penguin, and begin my explanation. Of course, as soon as my competitors see me talking to the CFO, they all perk up to find out what the hell I’m doing.
Given my jovial nature and fun-loving attitude thus far on the roadshow, almost everybody thinks I’m joking. She, however, knows right away that I am anything but and jumps up, moving quickly to where I had been sitting. I now had to remove the seat top – no easy task when you can barely stand upright, are getting tossed around like a hoodrat at a block party, and are fighting against a gastrointestinal Mt. Vesuvius.
I manage to peel back the leather seat top to find a rather luxurious looking commode, with a nice cherry or walnut frame. It had obviously never been used, ever. Why this moment of clarity came to me, I do not know. Perhaps it was the realization that I was going to take this toilet’s virginity with a fury and savagery that was an abomination to its delicate craftsmanship and quality. I imagined some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the violently soiled remains of his once beautiful creation. The lament lasted only a second as I was quickly back to concentrating on the tiny muscle that stood between me and molten hot lava.
I reach down and pull up the privacy screens, with only seconds to spare before I erupt. It’s an alka-seltzer bomb, nothing but air and liquid spraying out in all directions – a Jackson Pollock masterpiece. The pressure is now reversed. I feel like I’m going to have a stroke, I push so hard to end the relief, the tormented sublime relief.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” My apologies do nothing to drown out the heinous noises that seem to carry on and reverberate throughout the small cabin indefinitely. If that’s not bad enough, I have one more major problem. The privacy screen stops right around shoulder level. I am sitting there, a disembodied head, in the back of the plane, on a bucking bronco for a toilet, all while looking my colleagues, competitors, and clients directly in the eyes. “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!” briefly comes to mind.
I literally could reach out with my left hand and rest it on the shoulder of the person adjacent to me. It was virtually impossible for him, or any of the others, and by others I mean high profile business partners and clients, to avert their eyes. They squirm and try not to look, inclined to do their best to carry on and pretend as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening, that they weren’t sharing a stall with some guy dropping his intestines out. Releasing smelly, sweaty, shame at 100 feet per second.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry” is all the ashamed disembodied head can say…over and over again. Not that it mattered.
The sugar substitute is a laxative. My local Kroger uses it in their bakery products to shrinkflate and if you eat more than 2 cookies, you had better not be more than 60 seconds from a toilet.
“I literally CRIED from laughing so hard when I heard about the Amazon reviews..”
Very similar reviews when they introduced those fat-free potato chips in the early 00s made with the fake oil.
literally a high-PSI event to eat them…
I have known a few PETA types – IMO, they are driven more by hate of humans than love of animals.
(note: here is whats really going on for this UN thing – its about money and control …. and these controligarchs are part of it) Who Are the Controligarchs? Author EXPOSES Bill Gates’ Plot to OWN YOUR FOOD. (note: now even more reason to be armed, against the results and efforts of these people and not only our own government, to control every aspect of your lives. The left wing and anti-gun is not about ‘safety’ or ‘common sense’ – its being driven by people like this and is all about money and control over you. Its difficult to control a society if they are are able to resist the government imposed tyranny of such control for the benefit of these left wingers, so they want you disarmed.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZC4Gtzbotro
Fun Trivia Fact: The species of wild mammal with the most biomass on the planet is white-tailed deer. Overabundant deer populations have a negative impact on biodiversity, manifested mainly through over-browsing (e.g. eating).
(note: The term ‘biomass’ has several different context’s usages. In this context it means the mass of living wild mammal biological species, in this case white-tailed deer, in the ecosystem as a whole at a given time.
Note and clarification in case you didn’t catch it: The species of wild mammal with the most biomass on the planet is white-tailed deer, for land wild mammal.
For land mammals: The white-tailed deer (Odocoileus virginianus) has a total species biomass of 2.7 and tops the list at #1 for global land wild mammal biomass. The next highest at #2 is wild boar (Sus scrofa) with a total species biomass of 1.9.
For water mammals: The fin whale (Balaenoptera physalus) has a total species biomass of 8 and tops the list at #1 for global wild mammal biomass. The next highest at #2 is Sperm whale (Physeter macrocephalus) with a total species biomass of 8.
(A PSA post – ’cause its become a thing around here lately targeting elderly … so watch out for your elderly people who you see trying to pump their own gas to maybe help them, if you can, to not be approached by scammers) Gas Station Scam: How ‘Pump Switching’ Works and How To Avoid It > https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/personalfinance/gas-station-scam-how-pump-switching-works-and-how-to-avoid-it/ar-AA1hiNHH?ocid=BingHp01&cvid=92f401dd1a9a49fdb10c4cc4c21ba660&ei=11
and now, if you are following the hearings, congress members have disclosed that investigation has revealed there were “at least 200” undercover federal agents embedded in the crowd during the January 6 Capitol riot, some of whom were “dressed as Trump supporters” and inside the Capitol before it was breached.
and stated: “And when you track the text threads and the communications within those groups and find the origins of suggestions of potential violence or an active occupation of the Capitol on January 6th, you’ll find that those messages were led by members of the groups that ended up to be the FBI agents that had infiltrated the group,”
(note: FBI Director Christopher Wray did not deny the claim but testified that no FBI agents were involved in “the violence at the Capitol” on January 6. Word games, and a lie. They were seen in the 40,000 hours of video uncovered, that video the democrats tried to hide and did not disclose in the Jan 6th ‘commission’. Basically, the FBI instigated the rioting.)
So many whiny babies here, still crying about eating their vegetables. Honestly, how pathetic can you get?
Another statist trying to treat adults like children.
As far as I am concerned, the UN can go fu** themselves in Macy’s window.
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